Monday, January 30, 2012

The road to the past

 The road back home is twisted and winding , it seems never ending. I find it in the core of my being. I see it like a map to my life. As you travel up the mountain. The adventure unfolds before your eyes, with every twist and curve there is something new in your view. Your heart fills with excitement. Yet fear lingers in the core of your being. You breath in the thrill as you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride at an amusment park. You have no clue what will show up around the bend. You pray that the on coming traffic will stay in there own lane.

       You find your self in the passenger seat, looking out the window. As you look down to find you are close to the edge of a steep cliff. You notice your heart beating faster. You question in your mind. "Why am I trusting some one else to drive me?" "Would I not feel better if I were behind the wheel?" Yet you know the driver has been on this road many time. They have more experience and knowledge of what lies ahead.

      Suddenly you take in a deep breath and release it. At this time you are going faster and faster. Everything flying by like a whirlwind, Yet you are glued to the window, Trying to take in the view.

      With no warning a steep grade appears, a very large coal truck is in your way. Your are now going so slow a rabbit could pass you by. The driver informs you. "Be grateful we are behind him. Because when we reach a down hill grade, his weight  will not let him go slow. You just may find him on your bumper pushing you along." Your fears now sink into your stomach. Breath,breath. Stay calm. You ask "Are we close yet ?"The driver say "No, we have not reached the top yet. It will be near the entrance to the cemetery. Where friends and family rest.:"

   We then believe we  are on a bit of level ground . But, this is just an illusion. We are still climbing. little by little,  while experiencing many snaky curves. You will then see house after house spaced many acres apart. One after another then come and go. You notice level flat ground is very rare and to be treasured, if it can even be found.

    Suddenly you notice you are entering a place that has stood still in time. Sure the trees are taller and many more have grown. But the way of life has not changed much at all. Many still live off the land. Yet this is kept a secret, because there is no view of tilled ground. NO crops in sight. Where are the chickens, cows and pigs ? They are all hidden from view, back deep in the woods. Up and down the sides of the hills, some where in the past or present. They were or are there. But till you get off the road and explore on foot, you will never know what hides behind the forest of tall trees. But you dare not trek this land. Hidden dangers lurk under rocks, and in the bush. Many snakes, a few bear, maybe even a moon shiner or two. Mountain lion watching your every move. All these thoughts rolling around in your head. Make you wounder if you will even be able to go to bed tonight.

    You know from a past visit that you may wake up in a cloud. Mistaking it for fog you will see nothing. And find your self looking for air. trying to breath you go out side not knowing there is no fresh air to be found. You hope for a breeze. Where is the fan,the air conditional? Not one modern convenience to be found. You do not realize Look in your car. There may be air conditioning in there. So you just suffer and breath slowly, till the moment the sun comes out and the clouds move on. Then you are grateful you can breath normally again. You are now at ease and ready to start your day. But in the back of your mind, lies fear, The dangers of those little creatures that lurk in the wake.

   So you opt not to explore the land on foot. When you know you did this with ease, before you were age 4. You can no longer be that innocent child. That lived the life of a free spirit. You have allowed the story's of the past to rule your life today. So you hop back in your car and fly down the mountain road. Faster than fast not enjoying the view. Not saying good by. Not even taking the time to cry. Your innocents has been lost to time this weighs heavy on your heart. You find it is so much easier to slide down the hill, than it was to climb back up. Not even giving thought to the beauty. The thrill in your blood is no longer felt. You have allowed fear to rule your life.
     Now the joy of this trip is just a memory. One that is cherished and loved. It is ingrained in your very soul. But to live this way has been removed by choice and fear.  I now have now chosen to replace the life on top of the mountain, with one of city/country ways. Exploring the world in my mind. Leaving behind, the touch and feel of raw wilderness. I look at it as my first stepping stone. One I am grateful for. And one I have out grown. Yet it leaves threads like the lines on a tree in the core of my being.  

I wrote this after finding the road to my Family homestead is now on Google maps.   The view you see is to the entrance of where I was raised till age 4. All you see is trees a mail box and 2 gravel tracks. Those tracks lead to what is left of my grandparents land. There home is gone. But Uncle charlies home still stands. The original garage is there. But time has kept there spirits alive in the land. I found the map to bring back the thrill of driving up and down that road. It is so much fun and quite an adventure.
Let me know if you try it. By virtually exploring its ups and downs. Even the coal trucks are captured in this satellite map.

View Larger Map
Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.Photobucket

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Mag 102

 As I twist in time
to make a rhyme
The world udders Chaos
Nothing makes sense
Am I totally confused
Or simply amused


A year with my self

I have been working on the weekly prompts  at. A year with my self.. 
Week 1 “The Threshold: From Reflection to Possibility.
Week 2: “Your Roots: Reconnecting with Your Core”
 Week 3 "Self-Portraiture: Rewriting Your Beautiful Story"
Week 4"In Love With Me: Getting Good at Self-Love and Self-Acceptance"
I found my self starting near the end of week 2. Yet I have not finished or shared any writing. My thoughts were stuck at reconnecting with your core.  I found week 2's story took me back to age 4. My beginning of life that started on Williams mountain in West Virginia. And I wrote a short story for this.  Which was and adventure of exploring the mountain collecting plants and finding treasures, with my uncle Charlie and Aunt Maycil. Knowing my Grandma loved me dearly. Yet, I was taken from them to be raised in St. Louis at age 4. This one event, This one choice changed my path in life. I have the mountains in my soul. Yet now I am only a visitor to my past. And can never return to that life. I can only feel the love through story's told to me by Aunt Maycil.  I can see the old home stead through photos. And See what is left of it through visits. My Cousin Larry showed me a Vhs copy of some of the 8mm films his dad took. One part had me playing on a tricycle another Had Uncle Charlie climbing the fire tower. I would love to have a copy of this. Some how all of this gives me a feeling of joy. And the knowledge of I was loved and wanted by them.
  What was hard to do, was to over come and forgive myself for expecting my Mom to be like others.To be what I called normal. From piecing together story's of her past, I can kinda understand. But I do not know if she ever loved any one. If she is incapable of love.  I do know she can like people as long as they do not do any thing she considers to be wrong.. But unconditional love is not in her being.  Any one can fall from grace with her. But I can now accept this as a fact. And try to learn to love her anyway. My step dad has done this, He accepts she is the way she is. She is hard to live with. But he has unconditional love.for her I think of him as the most amazing person I have ever met.
       I ask my self how " Do I have this quality?" 
I have spent a life time wanting to be wanted.
Yes, I have loved. And my kids have unconditional love.
I have made many choices not knowing what the outcome would be.
Some times I feel like I am in the wrong life.
There are many more statements I could add to this list. But I need to get to the core. Am I who I was meant to be. I am an analyzer. Did I learn to do this ? Or was I born this way. I have a sense of wright and wrong. And I follow my own beliefs. I am a researcher and explorer.  I am far from content. But I am now on the final chapters of my life. And have hope that these will be the best. My eyes are open now, and I can now surrender my ego mind, to my souls desire.  But I do believe I have found my core.And it is full of love. Love of family and friends. And this amazing world. I have also learned to accept my self just the way I am. But I will continue to explore self improvement and continue learning.Because I have the desire to learn. The desire to explore. And a need to find answers.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.Photobucket

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Knitting myself warm

Photo taken by #1 grandson. Jeremy

I have been  knitting a king size blanket since the beginning of this year. I have around 4 feet + done. This is the first time I have knitted anything other than a scarf. And the only other blanket I have ever done was a granny square I crochet for my 5th grade teacher, back when I was in 10th grade.  I started this after my computer was destroyed on Dec 24th, by a  virus I got while playing a game called Pioneer trail on Face book. My virus soft ware alerted and said it blocked a  malicious website. Next thing I knew there were pop ups saying Vista virus scan 2012 has detected several issues on my computer. It turned out. vista virus 2012 was the virus.
My computer could no longer get on the internet. So I looked it up on Jeremy's computer. And found no real cure. Every thing I tried destroyed my computer even more.   I took it to a repair shop and they had it for almost 3 weeks. And they finally had to install a new hard drive in order to reprogram it.. So I have decided no more games.
For weeks I have been thinking of what to do now. As I wasted allot of time on the game. The question what do I do with the rest of my life came up. And I ponder as if I am a teen age girl again. What does my future hold for me. I am so eclectic as you may know already from my past post. I started with the dream of a farm.and have went from gardening to art. Traveled a little ,recovered from depression. The list goes on. I really do not want to spend the rest of my life sitting around.Letting life fly by. Yet psychically I an no spring chicken. And hubby is a TV watching couch potato. So I have more thinking to do. I find we are explorers of life here on earth. Yet we play roles. wife, Mom Grandma, etc.And I have worked in the past. Owned my own business etc.
But I have never though much of what is called the golden years.
I am only 51, Yet I am in the shoes of an older person. I need to learn to dream again. As the  Life as an empty nester and a grandparent is an amazing time of your life. You are no longer responsible for raising children. Yet you get the joy of grand kids when you want them.
 All I can do for now is live one day at a time. Rather than, what I did when I was younger plan for the future. And I missed many now moments with worry's., I am thankful I gave up worry's. It was the best thing I ever did in this life time. Because worrying was worse than most out comes.
But I will continue asking myself whats next ?
So much for today's chit chat.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.Photobucket

Friday, January 20, 2012

Creating a new me

When do you know it is done ?
When is it complete ??

 The answer is never. Every day and every minute you are changing in some sort of way. Like this cartoon version of me. Every day it changed. And can change more if I keep working on it, To make the decision to say it is done. Is like looking in the mirror and saying I am perfect just the way I am. And if you really look at each photo the first one in sketch is really the only one that comes close to looking  like the real me. showing some of the lines of age. The more I work on it the more I make it look less like me. And more like a cartoon version.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.Photobucket

Friday, January 13, 2012

2012 First post

Yea another year !
I have been in thought the last month or so wondering what my word for this year would be. I still have not made a choice. But the phrase "Just do it" has already been put to use a few times. And it has resulted in fun. The photo above was taken at the Funny farm it was a wonderful adventure. My granddaughter Jozlyn had her 3rd birthday party here. We all had so much fun petting the animals and I even got a pony ride on a Clydesdale. That was the event of the day. I needed a chair to reach the stirrups . Then getting off was almost a 911 event. But  I told my right leg to just do it. It took 2 try's but I final made my leg come back over the horse to dismount.  I know you are laughing about now. But I did it. :)
The highlight of the place was the miniature  Scottish highlander steer in the photo above. He was adorable. He reminded me of a sheep dog mixed with a cow.He also had a blue tongue. This adventure made me wish I had a farm. But I also realize I am no spring chicken any more so I am thankful to be able to visit a place like this.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.Photobucket