Sunday, January 29, 2012

A year with my self

I have been working on the weekly prompts  at. A year with my self.. 
Week 1 “The Threshold: From Reflection to Possibility.
Week 2: “Your Roots: Reconnecting with Your Core”
 Week 3 "Self-Portraiture: Rewriting Your Beautiful Story"
Week 4"In Love With Me: Getting Good at Self-Love and Self-Acceptance"
I found my self starting near the end of week 2. Yet I have not finished or shared any writing. My thoughts were stuck at reconnecting with your core.  I found week 2's story took me back to age 4. My beginning of life that started on Williams mountain in West Virginia. And I wrote a short story for this.  Which was and adventure of exploring the mountain collecting plants and finding treasures, with my uncle Charlie and Aunt Maycil. Knowing my Grandma loved me dearly. Yet, I was taken from them to be raised in St. Louis at age 4. This one event, This one choice changed my path in life. I have the mountains in my soul. Yet now I am only a visitor to my past. And can never return to that life. I can only feel the love through story's told to me by Aunt Maycil.  I can see the old home stead through photos. And See what is left of it through visits. My Cousin Larry showed me a Vhs copy of some of the 8mm films his dad took. One part had me playing on a tricycle another Had Uncle Charlie climbing the fire tower. I would love to have a copy of this. Some how all of this gives me a feeling of joy. And the knowledge of I was loved and wanted by them.
  What was hard to do, was to over come and forgive myself for expecting my Mom to be like others.To be what I called normal. From piecing together story's of her past, I can kinda understand. But I do not know if she ever loved any one. If she is incapable of love.  I do know she can like people as long as they do not do any thing she considers to be wrong.. But unconditional love is not in her being.  Any one can fall from grace with her. But I can now accept this as a fact. And try to learn to love her anyway. My step dad has done this, He accepts she is the way she is. She is hard to live with. But he has unconditional love.for her I think of him as the most amazing person I have ever met.
       I ask my self how " Do I have this quality?" 
I have spent a life time wanting to be wanted.
Yes, I have loved. And my kids have unconditional love.
I have made many choices not knowing what the outcome would be.
Some times I feel like I am in the wrong life.
There are many more statements I could add to this list. But I need to get to the core. Am I who I was meant to be. I am an analyzer. Did I learn to do this ? Or was I born this way. I have a sense of wright and wrong. And I follow my own beliefs. I am a researcher and explorer.  I am far from content. But I am now on the final chapters of my life. And have hope that these will be the best. My eyes are open now, and I can now surrender my ego mind, to my souls desire.  But I do believe I have found my core.And it is full of love. Love of family and friends. And this amazing world. I have also learned to accept my self just the way I am. But I will continue to explore self improvement and continue learning.Because I have the desire to learn. The desire to explore. And a need to find answers.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.Photobucket

1 comment:

cara said...

Grammy- This was such a brave post. I was moved by reading it, especially the part about your mother.
Thank you for commenting on my site so that I could find you. I look forward to reading more of your responses to AYWM.