Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Update on life

I did the above graphic image on the 24th of Feb. It was a way of expressing how I was feeling at that time. I hit a new low. I allowed what was said and done to me take control of my mind. I failed to say stop. I went to war.
I did not even know I was venting anger at every one I encountered. I would say this was a new low for me.
But It lead to a new level of communication with my husband and family. I had to release my feeling. I had to cry. I did not know it but I was mean and loud also. I do not know every thing I did. As I though I was just speaking but apparently I was not nice. This is all new to me. I am not one to inflict harm on others. But rage is what I felt. I was at war. My mind went off the deep end. I allowed my self to become a victim. And it was no fun at all. My heart became cold. I had to say things like I need to leave. One way or another. My family was shocked. As I have never said such things before. But they were pushing me. They knew things needed to be done. But they had no ideal I was not capable of simple choice. They could not fathom the level I reached of doom and gloom. I had to call a doctor in St. Louis. He told me I was not insane. That probably 90% of people in America would have an issue with what I went through if they were in my shoes. But the difference in me was I went into overload. And could not function.
I have been broken before. And it seems if you do it again it gets worse. So I will work on taking control of my mind and life again. I will not withdraw farther. I will now fight. And regain my spirit. I am so thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers. I feel them at work in me as we speak. Big hug to all of you. My friends.
Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.Photobucket


jojo said...

be kind to starts there. We are here for you, take care dear one. j

amelia said...

I hope things get better from here for you. It's always good to have the support of your family and I hope they do support you.

angela said...

just remember you are human, be kind to yourself. You have a friend accross the seas who has been thinking of you alot.
take care

peppylady (Dora) said...

We all where different hat some by our own doing. Some of hsts our place on our head not by our choice.
Hugs and things will work out as they need to.

Coffee is on.

Renee said...

Praying for you and your family.

Jean said...

I am sending you light and love. I hope things are improving - I know you have been through a lot recently. Take care of yourself!

phoenix said...

Some of the bravest things people can do is ask for help, to admit they don't like their behaviour, and to work to change their behaviour and circumstances.

Even if you don't like how you reacted to life, I hope you're deeply proud of how you reacted once you saw what was happening. It shows a lot of strength and courage.

With all my heart I wish you well in taking back control.