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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Freedom

I am so so glad I chose to let go of the pain of the past. I can now share it with out reliving it. As in it is over. My inner critic really was a room mate. I now name him Room E. I call that voice him as like yin and yang you need both for balance. No I an not crazy to those who do not honor the beliefs of others. I consider my self a student of religion,. I accept an reject what I feel works for me. I do not criticize others. As they believe there way is the right way. I my self am not a follower. Thanks to my inner critic. I am an analyzer. And need proof. Yes I believe in God, a higher power. But like many I do not know there is a right or wrong way to live by his law. As like the native Americans I believe god is every where and in every thing.

As a child my mom was not one of religion. She said they just want your money.
Her inner critic ruled her life and gave her no life at all. She tried to control my life too. I rebelled most of my life to not be any thing like her. She would tell my brother and I storys of her past. As if we were her only friends. But as an adult trying to understand her was impossible. She always let me know my dad was not my dad. He was my brothers. His family was not my family they were my brothers. So I grew up alone with out a family.
That is why in 1999 I found my family. I did genealogy research. And traveled a bit to meet people. Including my real dad. Who only wanted me around then because he was getting a devoice. As soon as he found out he was dieing of Mesothelioma cancer.It was over.
This was caused my wearing gloves lines in asbestos. He worked for Ford motor co. And casted motors all his life.
His x-wife came back into his life And I was told to go away. Even though she was willing to accept me. He still knew she did not want me around. After his death and to this day she still wants to be apart of my life now. She expects me to understand she was jealous. I can not understand. because,I do not get jealous. So I can not comprehend her side of the story. All I can see is I am his kid no matter what age I am. I am not another woman, or my mom.

I found through her, that my mom and dad were never married. It is a lie my mom lives with. A secret she lets rule her life. As I have to keep it a secret from my step dad that I knew my real dad. Where in reality I want to tell him. That he is my dad and thank him for playing the part. As he treated me just like my brother. He has no ideal till now how my mom tortured me. He saw a taste in June of 2008. I asked him to help me. I wanted to bring my daughters and there present husband/boyfriend to meet them. And both of them have son's of there own to add to the family. He laughed and though to him self. Thats not a problem. He gave my mom the phone. She was like. "YOU ARE NOT BRINGING ALL THOSE PEOPLE TO MY HOUSE!" So I found it hard not to cry. I said let me talk to dad. I told him see. She wont let us come over. and let him go as my heart was broken. I received a call maybe 10 minutes later. She said you come with them Richard wants you all here. So we went, but I knew it was not going to be fun.
Here is some of the photos. My daughter took them, as I was feeling the tension build. And so did every one else. I am an empath and can feel extrema anger from my mom.
I only stayed 10-20 minutes and left with Tessa's family. Amys stayed. But my mom never left the stare well with the dog. You can see in the center photo how she looked having all the kids want to see her. As I left I extended my hand to my mom. And she pinched the skin on my hand. between my thumb and 1st finger and removed it " like shaking off the cooties". This was my first and last attempt at touching her. As she has never hugged me. That day was the last attempt of me trying to be a daughter. I released her in my mind. I will no longer try my best to do what she wants. I considered my self an orphan.

This was my way to freedom from her rules. A kid is to be seen and not heard. She was not happy with the freedom I gave my kids to love. I let my kids hug and play with my dad. And she was not happy. I saw all the love in him, through the joy he recieved from my kids. He was never home when I was a kid. He worked 2 jobs. And was an alcoholic. He no longer works or drinks. So he is now learning things the hard way. But he is a person of love. He is kindness, and all that is good in this world. I only wish he could receive it back from her.

She married him to get out of West Virginia. And away from her mom. She will not speak to any one in her family. All she has left is 1 sister. out of 9 kids.
So her inner critic has destroyed her life. and turned her into hate.

I have been back 1 time so they could see Jozlyn and call to talk to my dad.
She I talk to as his wife. This is my way of self salvation. Because I do want him in my life. And I forgive her for my own sake.

I will share more of my past as I have released all the pain. They are only story's now, of what made me who I am today. A free soul who is full of love.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.Photobucket

9 comments:

Fire Byrd said...

It takes some courage to face your family demons and then write about them. Sending you huge supportive hugs from across the pond. You done good girl you have/are sorting it out that works for you and that's the only way.
xx

Ms Hen said...

I happily consider myself an orphan too.

I can't control how others live but I can live without anger or judgment and enjoy this magnificent world.

Life is Good..

You sound Good.. get it all out and be happy too. I think you found the answer to happiness and serenity.

I will remember to laugh and play today...!!

Melinda said...

wow that is an emotional story! I can understand how you feel and why you chose to become an "orphan" in order to survive. There does seem to come a point in our lives if we have had parent issues where we do have to do that don't we? JUST to be able to live our own life and move on. Giving you a big virtual hug today! {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

I can't believe the part where your mom pinched the skin of your hand and removed it like cooties. I guess some parents never understand the littlest things they do...hurtful things too....can leave lifelong impressions and scar someone for a very long time. I know my dad is notorious for doing things like this....and he chose to do things to hurt us. He is more "mild" and even tempered now....but still has his moments. I long ago had to separate any emotional attachment I may have had one time for my dad...

HANG IN THERE! Sounds like you have made tremendous progress!

angela said...

you are very brave. you have had alot to deal with and have come through it shining. You are a shining star showing the way to inner happiness to all.
bless you

Vixen said...

It is helpful to hear such a heartbreaking story, but know that you came out of it with love still in your heart. It inspires me.

Nola @ the Alamo said...

They say what does not kill you helps to make you stronger; your story is full of pain, but I'll bet you are stronger for it!
Once I heard that you had to let those things go because as long as you hold onto them, you cannot reach out and grasp your blessings. Do not let the past keep you from the blessings of the future and now!

Gail said...

The truth will set you free! Amazing girl! You have proved her unimportance because despite the things she did, you have grown into a beautiful thoughtful kind being and not a thing like your mother.

Jean said...

You are an amazing person, woman, artist. I'm so glad that you are telling your story and releasing that pain to move on and have a life of your choosing.

I know life has not always been kind to you, but you have such capacity for kindness and you show it every day. What a gift you share with all you come in contact with!

Take care and keep writing!

Wendy said...

You go girl! You've chosen well - to let go of your mom. And to write about all this. You are a loving person and your family around you are as well. That's all that counts.