Where to begin.
One night we walked around the block and he stopped at the house that had a goat. We thought nothing of him staying there and we continued to walk. In the past Crash would stop there too. But he would go home. I was shocked to find the person in that house out to the street with Leo in his hands throwing him to the ground and kick at him to scare him off. I did not say any thing to the person. I felt is was my fault. I should have picked up the cat and made him go with us. But the thought of that guy harming him stuck in my head. I had the feeling and thought of some one poisoning the cat. It was kinda a fear. I knew in my heart something was going to happen. So I kept Leo in the house when we walked. But he was not the same after that night. Then The morning of the 4th. Jerry came in and woke me up. He said. He found Leo under the car. I went out to see him. The was no evidence of what happened. Leo had gained over a pound in weight. and was not dehydrated from heat. This broke my heart so bad. It was worse than any other cat we have ever lost. I don't know if it was because. It turned out I was right. I knew something was going to happen to him. He was too friendly. And people are mean.
But I cried so much. And started smoking again. The smoking is the only reason I got through it. The next day I was feeling better stress wise. And could finally control the crying.
Now looking back, he was a treasure. Even though it was a short time, It was for him a good life. So I can feel good about myself. That I did my best to give him a good home. And I am so grateful for the lesson he taught me.
It was be persistent. Don't take no for an answer. And hugs and kiss's even from a kitty are to be appreciated.
I do not know why I could not see past my self pity. Why I perceive my life to be bad. It goes back to unfulfilled expectations. I should be happy I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I just seem to feel lack.
I wish I could make myself stop over thinking. It is mental chatter, that goes on. You know the thoughts in your head that say things like you are not ............. You should be ............ etc. This mental chatter make you self absorbed. You turn into poor me. trauma and drama becomes your life. I had to literally tell myself to stop. I am not a drama queen. I do not wish to be a victim. I want to be strong. I am a survivor. but it got to the point, anxiety would kick in, and I could not control the negative thoughts. I wished day after day I would die in my sleep. There was and is no reason for me to think this way. But I do. I have prayed , that this life would end.
I will stop for now. And start post 3 of ?