Sunday, July 8, 2012

Depression post 2 of ?

Where to begin.Photobucket

Well I would have to say The forth of July was my breaking point. I think you have to have a break down to wake up and start rebuilding. It takes a hard shaking some times for you to wake up and change.  This time it was the loss of a cat named Leo. He showed up in January ,  He was a stray cat at my door. He was begging at every door on the street. He was persistent. He wanted to be loved and taken care of. And he was not taking no for an answer.  So I let him in and fed him. Every day he was in my face with his nose like a kitty kiss. Wanting his head and back rubbed. All he wanted was to be loved and to love. So I had love, that I should have made my day better. But depression did not let me feel the joy as much.  His behavior  was kinda like Crash our Manx. As in he was a cat-dog. He would go for a walk around the block with us. But he was more demanding than Crash.

One night we walked around the block and he stopped at the house that had a goat. We thought nothing of him staying there and we continued to walk. In the past Crash would stop there too. But he would go home.  I was shocked to find the person in that house out to the street with Leo in his hands throwing him to the ground and kick at him to scare him off.  I did not say any thing to the person. I felt is was my fault. I should have picked up the cat and made him go with us. But the thought of that guy harming him stuck in my head. I had the feeling and thought of some one poisoning the cat. It was kinda a fear. I knew in my heart something was going to happen. So I kept Leo in the house when we walked.  But he was not the same after that night.   Then The morning of the 4th. Jerry came in and woke me up. He said. He found Leo under the car. I went out to see him. The was no evidence of what happened. Leo had gained over a pound in weight. and was not dehydrated from heat. This broke my heart so bad. It was worse than any other cat we have ever lost. I don't know if it was because. It turned out I was right. I knew something was going to happen to him. He was too friendly. And people are mean.

But I cried so much. And started smoking again. The smoking is the only reason I got through it. The next day I was feeling better stress wise. And could finally control the crying.

Now looking back, he was a treasure. Even though it was a short time, It was for him a good life. So I can feel good about myself. That I did my best to give him a good home. And I am so grateful for the lesson he taught me.

It was be persistent.  Don't take no for an answer. And hugs and kiss's even from a kitty are to be appreciated. 

I do not know why I could not see past my self pity. Why I perceive my life to be bad. It goes back to unfulfilled expectations. I should be happy I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I just seem to feel lack.

I wish I could make myself  stop over thinking. It is mental chatter, that goes on. You know the thoughts in your head that say things like you are not ............. You should be ............ etc.   This mental chatter make you self absorbed. You turn into poor me. trauma and drama becomes your life.  I had to literally tell myself to stop. I am not a drama queen. I do not wish to be a victim. I want to be strong.  I am a survivor.  but it got to the point, anxiety would kick in, and I could not control the negative thoughts. I wished day after day I would die in my sleep. There was and is no reason for me to think this way. But I do. I have prayed , that this life would end.

I will stop for now. And start post 3 of ?


Zaroga said...

Depression is awful... a hard struggle. Add anxiety to the mix and it is even harder.

HUGS N LOVE to you my friend.

Wendy said...

I'm so sorry about Leo. How sad for the cat to die like that. He reminds me of the cat I took in after David died. He too followed me when I went out for a walk. It was fun.

Whenever the bad mind chatter happens, try to focus on something wonderful. Like dolphins playing in the sea or whatever feels good at the moment.

Depression is awful. I hope things turn around for you soon.
Sending hugs and prayers

Jean said...

I'm so sorry about what happened to Leo. He was lucky to have you in his life to love, even for a short time.

Be kind to yourself, Grammy. Your light shines out to others - we want to reflect that goodness back to you.