Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Depression post 3 of ?

After writing the first 2 posts. I seem to be some how relieved a bit. I am truly grateful for your heartfelt comments ....Photobucket

I also should have kept writing at that time. As I lost my train of thought. Some times it is good to forget. But I am forgetting allot.  I am learning to accept this as being a good thing. Because reliving the past in your thoughts is part of the torture in depression.  I thought. I was free of it and doing well. I am learning to just live in the moment. And accepting, the fact this is all we have is right now.

What I am missing is hope. I can not plan a future.
I have to just get though each day one at a time.

I was trying to find something to be grateful for every day. It helps to see your life is not bad when you compare it to things that may happen to others. But it is easy to slip into self pity. Especially if you have an over analyzing mind.  I wish I could just live with out over thinking.

I found out in March or April, that my friend Mrs Darst passed away last August.  I felt so sad that I had not kept in touch with her. But I then started analyzing her life. She was an amazing person. But spent the last 5 years of her life in the worst depression.  My heart broke for her. At my last visit. We were sitting at her kitchen table, She looked up to the wall by the back door. Where she had placed her husbands photo. And she cried. She said why him and not me. Her pain was extrema. I had no words that could comfort her. They were married 71 years before he passed. I think back to this now. What made them so wonderful.
   They were kind and did not know a stranger. They both loved people. They both were happy, caring people. They did not waist money. There furniture and allot of things were 70 years old. They still lived in there first home. They did not live a disposable life. like most of us do now. Mr. Darst had a job with a pension. He never experienced loss of job security. They came from a world that started in the great depression. 

Where I had allot of fear in my life. Things today our poor quality so I only have my original bed. Amy has the dresser and chest. Every thing else has been replaced. My husband did not get a pension or job security. Even though he was loyal to his job. They were not loyal to him.

It was very hard to learn to live on very little. But thanks to having this house with no mortgage. We have a roof over our head. And we have done allot of repair and renovation to it. But My heart stayed attached to the house we sold .  So I have been living a life of homeless in a home. I miss having a hubby who leaves the house. And I look at him and wonder if he has dementia. I ask myself why he does not want to communicate. But then if he does talk to some one. It turns out to be lies. He believes what he is saying. And when I had a breakdown. It was not ok for me to be angry.

I looked it up on the internet and found a name. It is labeled retired husband syndrome.  That explains why being together 24/7 has issues. And to add medical issues to the mix, makes things worse. Some ask why I do not leave. I made a commitment for better or worse. So I try to live with the hand dealt. Also it is not him. It is my judgement, My mind is not content. My thoughts make things worse than they really are.

I try to control my judgement.  I think in my head I am too young to be living like this. I also know contentment is something I lack. My sister in law told me she is still single because there is no other man like her hubby was. Then every thing she said about him was my hubby. So he and his brother had allot of things in common. Her hubby died in 1988/9. So I realize like every one there are good and bad in all.
I also know he may not be around with his health issues. And I will not let myself wonder or  plan. I have no clue how I will survive. But I am not going to pre think this issue.

Will close for now and start another post soon.

Happiness doesn't depend on what you have or who you are, it solely relies on what you think.” - Buddha

1 comment:

Wendy said...

Sending gentle hugs your way, Grammy as you walk this difficult path.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep looking toward the light.
You are a good person and deserve happiness.