Saturday, July 7, 2012

Depresion post 1 of ?

The last 3-4 months I have allowed myself to fall back into a depressed state. There was no real Reason other than I lost control of my ability to just get through the day OK.  Depression is caused by my mind "ego" over thinking.  All you do is over think. Your ego runs rampant. You tell your self over and over. Life sucks. You make things worse than they really are.

    I stopped smoking on the 28th of March. And I found it hard to do things like talk on the phone with out a cigaret. I know this sounds crazy but maybe I am. If you remember I quit taking the antidepressants back in September of 2011. So my only device to calm by stress was cigarets.
 It could be worse I could have been an addict or alcoholic. So I pat my self on the back. I am strong enough to resist falling into the world of extreme additions.  

What I am learning now, is my lack of gratitude for what I have lets my mind, Morn the loss of what I had. It allows me to judged and condemn my life. And the last 3-4 months. Every day I had the thought or wish, That I was no longer in this life. I would wake up disappointed, that I was still here. Yet  I do not wish to take my own life. I would just wish my time was over. No one knows what this is like till it happens to them. This thinking is hard to control. And there is no just reason for it.The antidepressants allowed you to just exist. Some would be what you could call don't give a crap pills. They let you say who cares. You could just sit in a chair and let the world go on. But you did not partake in life.

I have traveled a long road of self healing.This is my first post of telling my story of the last 3 months. And it may include my past life in general.

Lao Tzu quote "He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.".Photobucket


Jean said...

Congratulations on stopping smoking! That is a very difficult thing to conquer.

I'm sorry you have found yourself in a depression, friend. Life is not an easy place to be, but you are strong and loved. Lean on the people you can and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's the only way to do it.

Thank you for posting such a personal journey. Sending you hugs and healing.

Grammy said...

Thank you Jean, I am grateful for our friendship. But I had to start smoking again on the 4th of July. I could not deal with what happened that day. I will post about it next post. Hugs back. :)

joanne said...

I have struggled for years with this hideous affliction that robs you of any kind of joy or gratefulness. I'm glad to hear you are working through it and I believe that writing will does me at least. Take care and know that I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers...;j

Grammy said...

Thank you Joanne, I am grateful for your thoughts and prayers. And for letting me know I am not alone.

Wendy said...

Oh Ernie, my heart goes out to you. I have not really been blogging for quite a while - sort of lost interest in the computer.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You helped me so much when David was sick. You boosted my spirits and gave me the gift of hope and courage.

I wish there was some way I could pass along some of that hope and courage.

I know you are strong and I know you can get through this. We all love you and understand.
Sending lots of hugs your way.

Jean said...

Hi Grammy - I was away and just saw your other posts.

I still say congratulations on stopping smoking, even for a while. I read somewhere that people have more success the more times they try to stop. Nicotine is powerful and sometimes, you can only deal with one thing at a time.

Never give up on yourself. I'm so glad you are reaching out to us here - there are lots of good people sending you love.