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Sunday, February 1, 2009

My bed room window

This was the house I was raised in in St. Louis Mo. I spent many a night looking out that window. Wondering when my life would begin. Wanting to grow up and be gone from there. Wondering what life was like some where else. . Who would be my hubby. What would my life be like, if I were some where else.

This is my first attempt to paint a picture with words. Do not read further unless you want to know a bit about my child hood.

I started life out on top of Williams mountain. It was located on the top of peak. Where the house was on the flat ground. And the farm and orchard was located on both sides sloping down to what was called a holler. The road to town was located on 2 sides of the property.. This was a time of simple pleasures. And survival on the land. They know what plants were edible and which ones would help you when you were sick. They were very superstitious. There ways passed on to my mom. And tainted my life a bit. My ancestors were strict.They were Mountain folk. They had there own version of wright and wrong. They lived a certain way and saw no gray areas in life. Every thing was black and white. Things are to be done a certain way only. No variance to the rules. I was brought up in fear of doing something wrong. This made me think before I do. It also made me worry about saying the wrong thing. I was raised to be seen and not herd. So this made socializing difficult for me. And turned me into a shy quiet young person. But by listing and learning how my friends were raised I saw the other side of life. I borrowed my neighbors to be my pretend grandparents. I learned kindness and respect from them. I learned manners and social skills in school. I practiced doing only what was right growing up. With the fear of a violent beating lurking in my head if I did any thing wrong. It took years to erase the brain washing. And 48 years to let go of my Mothers hold on my life. Last summer I made a choice that I was done trying to be a daughter who was not wanted. I do no longer need to have a parent care about me. With my attempts in vain. I am happy to know my step dad treated me with love and respect. And I am satisfied with the knowledge that he is the only person , who wanted me around. I know this sounds harsh. But my Mother was unloving. My brother and my oldest daughter are the only 2 people who she remotely cares about. She loves no one. She is in a world of her own. And no one is loved. I have spent my entire life trying to understand how she could hate her own family. She never had a real friend. And would never attempt to let any one get close to her. I can not feel sorry for her because I am her first victim. And I will no longer be one. I am free to be me. And I am a complete opposite of her. I love my kids, family friends. The world and environment.

This way of life made me who I am today. I am just thankful. I did not follow in the foot step of my upbring. You may ask, did this affect your self respect. Sure it made me feel unworthy. It made me do better with my kids. But it took an entire life time for me to wake up. And want to learn to be happy. You may ask do I wounder what it would have been like if they would have left me on the mountain with my grandma. Yes I do. I would have been raised by people who love me. But I may have turned out like my mom. As they raised her. I have learned by going back there to visit. It is common that the wife is a slave and a work horse. She is often beaten. And I would not want to go through an entire life like that.

As of this day and this year. I will try to do my best to live a happy life. And try my best to get my hubby to participate in it. His health has left him in a state of nothingness. No want no desires. A negative attitude. It is like he is in his own world and I am alone.
This is why I spend so much time on the computer. I need to communicate. I need to do something to save my self from being a 48 year old in a 100 year old body. I need to start living life again. In 2008 I made a good attempt. This year I will do better.

Questions to you.
So tell me do you want to here my story's like this?
Do you want to put up with my brain washing attempts to make my self happy?
Do you want to get to know the real me?
Do you want to be my real friend?

8 comments:

George said...

Grammy, I'm sorry you've had to bear this burden, but I pray that 2009 will indeed be an even better year than 2008.

Zaroga said...

Grammy, this is your blog and you get to write what you want. You have an interesting story. I will listen to all you say and make no judgment.

Debra said...

Grammy,

I think it is amazing that you have decided not to be the victim in your mother's world. I hope you know that Jesus loves you! He will love you unconditionally. And He alone is faithful.

((hugs)) to you today!

angela said...

You can write whatever you want and I will be here to listen,(read),whatever it is.
I too had a mother that did not demonstrate love and have raised my children completely opposit to how I was raised.
so 2009 is a year of new beginigs.

Wendy said...

Hi Grammy, I think you are very courageous to tell us your story. And you've come a long long way. You are your own person and you've turned a bad situation into a good one. I am proud of you!!

Yes, - blog whatever you need to. We are here to listen and support you. We all have our paths to take and sometimes they are fun and happy and other times they are very very hard.
God Bless
Light and Love
I am glad to know you, friend.

Denise said...

Write whatever is laying on your heart dear one, love you.

Carla said...

One word-yes! You got your wings now, your eyes are open, your heart is ready-fly baby fly!!! (and share the journey??? Please:)

Carla said...

I had to add, maybe your mother loved you the best she could. Maybe, no matter what HER raising, that was her 'handicap' she never learned to overcome. Who knows her pain? (no excuse though, but maybe just a fact) But you chose to rise above that, you chose to NOT follow that path. You and your children (and probably all those around you) are better for it. You chose to NOT be handicapped. You chose to fly:)