Depression post 2 of ?

Where to begin.

Well I would have to say The forth of July was my breaking point. I think you have to have a break down to wake up and start rebuilding. It takes a hard shaking some times for you to wake up and change.  This time it was the loss of a cat named Leo. He showed up in January ,  He was a stray cat at my door. He was begging at every door on the street. He was persistent. He wanted to be loved and taken care of. And he was not taking no for an answer.  So I let him in and fed him. Every day he was in my face with his nose like a kitty kiss. Wanting his head and back rubbed. All he wanted was to be loved and to love. So I had love, that I should have made my day better. But depression did not let me feel the joy as much.  His behavior  was kinda like Crash our Manx. As in he was a cat-dog. He would go for a walk around the block with us. But he was more demanding than Crash.

One night we walked around the block and he stopped at the house that had a goat. We thought nothing of him staying there and we continued to walk. In the past Crash would stop there too. But he would go home.  I was shocked to find the person in that house out to the street with Leo in his hands throwing him to the ground and kick at him to scare him off.  I did not say any thing to the person. I felt is was my fault. I should have picked up the cat and made him go with us. But the thought of that guy harming him stuck in my head. I had the feeling and thought of some one poisoning the cat. It was kinda a fear. I knew in my heart something was going to happen. So I kept Leo in the house when we walked.  But he was not the same after that night.   Then The morning of the 4th. Jerry came in and woke me up. He said. He found Leo under the car. I went out to see him. The was no evidence of what happened. Leo had gained over a pound in weight. and was not dehydrated from heat. This broke my heart so bad. It was worse than any other cat we have ever lost. I don't know if it was because. It turned out I was right. I knew something was going to happen to him. He was too friendly. And people are mean.

But I cried so much. And started smoking again. The smoking is the only reason I got through it. The next day I was feeling better stress wise. And could finally control the crying.

Now looking back, he was a treasure. Even though it was a short time, It was for him a good life. So I can feel good about myself. That I did my best to give him a good home. And I am so grateful for the lesson he taught me.

It was be persistent.  Don't take no for an answer. And hugs and kiss's even from a kitty are to be appreciated. 

I do not know why I could not see past my self pity. Why I perceive my life to be bad. It goes back to unfulfilled expectations. I should be happy I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I just seem to feel lack.

I wish I could make myself  stop over thinking. It is mental chatter, that goes on. You know the thoughts in your head that say things like you are not ............. You should be ............ etc.   This mental chatter make you self absorbed. You turn into poor me. trauma and drama becomes your life.  I had to literally tell myself to stop. I am not a drama queen. I do not wish to be a victim. I want to be strong.  I am a survivor.  but it got to the point, anxiety would kick in, and I could not control the negative thoughts. I wished day after day I would die in my sleep. There was and is no reason for me to think this way. But I do. I have prayed , that this life would end.
  

I will stop for now. And start post 3 of ?

Depresion post 1 of ?

The last 3-4 months I have allowed myself to fall back into a depressed state. There was no real Reason other than I lost control of my ability to just get through the day OK.  Depression is caused by my mind "ego" over thinking.  All you do is over think. Your ego runs rampant. You tell your self over and over. Life sucks. You make things worse than they really are.

    I stopped smoking on the 28th of March. And I found it hard to do things like talk on the phone with out a cigaret. I know this sounds crazy but maybe I am. If you remember I quit taking the antidepressants back in September of 2011. So my only device to calm by stress was cigarets.
 It could be worse I could have been an addict or alcoholic. So I pat my self on the back. I am strong enough to resist falling into the world of extreme additions.  

What I am learning now, is my lack of gratitude for what I have lets my mind, Morn the loss of what I had. It allows me to judged and condemn my life. And the last 3-4 months. Every day I had the thought or wish, That I was no longer in this life. I would wake up disappointed, that I was still here. Yet  I do not wish to take my own life. I would just wish my time was over. No one knows what this is like till it happens to them. This thinking is hard to control. And there is no just reason for it.The antidepressants allowed you to just exist. Some would be what you could call don't give a crap pills. They let you say who cares. You could just sit in a chair and let the world go on. But you did not partake in life.

I have traveled a long road of self healing.This is my first post of telling my story of the last 3 months. And it may include my past life in general.


Lao Tzu quote "He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.".