Sunday, July 22, 2012

husband's health issues

 I have decided to give you an overview of my hubby's health issues.  So you have a better understanding of my concerns.
My husband  has sleep apnea, along with heart issues. He had a 5 way bypass in Jan of 06, He also had greenlight laser prostate surgery in May of 06. This left him impotent. but able to urinate normally again.   Both surgery's were very traumatic for him.  After the bypass he was never the same. Thought of lack of air to the brain came to mind. It could be ptsd. No real answer for the dramatic personality change. It is like dementia, or early Alzheimer's.

After we moved to this area, maybe a year or so later he was diagnosed with Sleep apnea.   This is were you stop breathing in your sleep. In the past I have woke up many times to dead silence. I touched him to see if he was alive. And then he would start breathing again. He wore a device for a few months that was a mask covering his mouth and nose. A fan blew air in his face. And It became impossible to sleep in the same house with him. The noise was extrema. You could  hear atrocious snoring and when he stopped breathing, I would hold my breath till I heard another noise. This device woke him many times as he said it took his breath away. So he no longer uses it. But he has now stopped snoring. But he sleeps more and more every Day. I started going to sleep when he woke up. So I am in the habit of staying up all night and sleep in the morning, But when I wake up at noon -2pm, I will find him sitting up asleep or laying down on the couch. He now sleeping to 6 +/- pm, then back to bed 10 or 11. So he is not awake much any more.

He has gained over 70 pounds. His heart doctor told him back in 06 that if he did not quit smoking he will be luck to have 6 years on the bypass. With that statement it instills the fear in me of this is year 6 as of Jan. So every day is borrowed time.
This video shows a man who take a breath every minute or so. It give a bit of an example of how this is. my husband has even yawned in his sleep. 

I have include links in 3 words above to give you a definition and more info.

Up date: Sleep apnea  causes chronic fatigue, and excessive sleeping. I have seen videos of other cpap machines. There is also a chance of the components burning out   and smoke coming through the mask. The makers of the device needs more improvements. hubby chose not to use this. And I agree it had no benefit for him.
I have to let him chose for himself, if and when he wants medical treatment.
After his bypass, I made a commitment I would no longer make choices for him. I explain what is happening and he makes his own choice. And I have to respect his decision as long as he is competent. If he becomes e rational, I know what his wish is. And I agree for my self too. I do not wish life support.
Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.Photobucket

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


It is 6:17 pm right now. And hubby is still asleep. This is when my mind wonders. When will he get up. He slept last night. And I went to bed at abt 3am. He got up. And Was asleep on the couch at noon, when I got up. He woke to go back to bed. I try not to let my mind think the worse.

Up date: he is up. :) and went back to sleep in less than 4 hours.  He does not say if any thing is wrong. He is still not talking much. And will now turn up the TV while I am speaking. So I give up. Will continue just accepting things are as they should be.

I have been keeping  my thoughts to virtual  travel . I have been watching video of Australia. Angela is on vacation there and putting up wonderful photos of her adventure. So I have enjoyed this very much. One man on Utube had a bus tour from Darwin to Perth. Then I watched his travel to France and China, I do not think I would want to visit those 2 country's.  But would love to go to India, Japan, Aussie, And a few others.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Depression post 3 of ?

After writing the first 2 posts. I seem to be some how relieved a bit. I am truly grateful for your heartfelt comments ....Photobucket

I also should have kept writing at that time. As I lost my train of thought. Some times it is good to forget. But I am forgetting allot.  I am learning to accept this as being a good thing. Because reliving the past in your thoughts is part of the torture in depression.  I thought. I was free of it and doing well. I am learning to just live in the moment. And accepting, the fact this is all we have is right now.

What I am missing is hope. I can not plan a future.
I have to just get though each day one at a time.

I was trying to find something to be grateful for every day. It helps to see your life is not bad when you compare it to things that may happen to others. But it is easy to slip into self pity. Especially if you have an over analyzing mind.  I wish I could just live with out over thinking.

I found out in March or April, that my friend Mrs Darst passed away last August.  I felt so sad that I had not kept in touch with her. But I then started analyzing her life. She was an amazing person. But spent the last 5 years of her life in the worst depression.  My heart broke for her. At my last visit. We were sitting at her kitchen table, She looked up to the wall by the back door. Where she had placed her husbands photo. And she cried. She said why him and not me. Her pain was extrema. I had no words that could comfort her. They were married 71 years before he passed. I think back to this now. What made them so wonderful.
   They were kind and did not know a stranger. They both loved people. They both were happy, caring people. They did not waist money. There furniture and allot of things were 70 years old. They still lived in there first home. They did not live a disposable life. like most of us do now. Mr. Darst had a job with a pension. He never experienced loss of job security. They came from a world that started in the great depression. 

Where I had allot of fear in my life. Things today our poor quality so I only have my original bed. Amy has the dresser and chest. Every thing else has been replaced. My husband did not get a pension or job security. Even though he was loyal to his job. They were not loyal to him.

It was very hard to learn to live on very little. But thanks to having this house with no mortgage. We have a roof over our head. And we have done allot of repair and renovation to it. But My heart stayed attached to the house we sold .  So I have been living a life of homeless in a home. I miss having a hubby who leaves the house. And I look at him and wonder if he has dementia. I ask myself why he does not want to communicate. But then if he does talk to some one. It turns out to be lies. He believes what he is saying. And when I had a breakdown. It was not ok for me to be angry.

I looked it up on the internet and found a name. It is labeled retired husband syndrome.  That explains why being together 24/7 has issues. And to add medical issues to the mix, makes things worse. Some ask why I do not leave. I made a commitment for better or worse. So I try to live with the hand dealt. Also it is not him. It is my judgement, My mind is not content. My thoughts make things worse than they really are.

I try to control my judgement.  I think in my head I am too young to be living like this. I also know contentment is something I lack. My sister in law told me she is still single because there is no other man like her hubby was. Then every thing she said about him was my hubby. So he and his brother had allot of things in common. Her hubby died in 1988/9. So I realize like every one there are good and bad in all.
I also know he may not be around with his health issues. And I will not let myself wonder or  plan. I have no clue how I will survive. But I am not going to pre think this issue.

Will close for now and start another post soon.

Happiness doesn't depend on what you have or who you are, it solely relies on what you think.” - Buddha

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Depression post 2 of ?

Where to begin.Photobucket

Well I would have to say The forth of July was my breaking point. I think you have to have a break down to wake up and start rebuilding. It takes a hard shaking some times for you to wake up and change.  This time it was the loss of a cat named Leo. He showed up in January ,  He was a stray cat at my door. He was begging at every door on the street. He was persistent. He wanted to be loved and taken care of. And he was not taking no for an answer.  So I let him in and fed him. Every day he was in my face with his nose like a kitty kiss. Wanting his head and back rubbed. All he wanted was to be loved and to love. So I had love, that I should have made my day better. But depression did not let me feel the joy as much.  His behavior  was kinda like Crash our Manx. As in he was a cat-dog. He would go for a walk around the block with us. But he was more demanding than Crash.

One night we walked around the block and he stopped at the house that had a goat. We thought nothing of him staying there and we continued to walk. In the past Crash would stop there too. But he would go home.  I was shocked to find the person in that house out to the street with Leo in his hands throwing him to the ground and kick at him to scare him off.  I did not say any thing to the person. I felt is was my fault. I should have picked up the cat and made him go with us. But the thought of that guy harming him stuck in my head. I had the feeling and thought of some one poisoning the cat. It was kinda a fear. I knew in my heart something was going to happen. So I kept Leo in the house when we walked.  But he was not the same after that night.   Then The morning of the 4th. Jerry came in and woke me up. He said. He found Leo under the car. I went out to see him. The was no evidence of what happened. Leo had gained over a pound in weight. and was not dehydrated from heat. This broke my heart so bad. It was worse than any other cat we have ever lost. I don't know if it was because. It turned out I was right. I knew something was going to happen to him. He was too friendly. And people are mean.

But I cried so much. And started smoking again. The smoking is the only reason I got through it. The next day I was feeling better stress wise. And could finally control the crying.

Now looking back, he was a treasure. Even though it was a short time, It was for him a good life. So I can feel good about myself. That I did my best to give him a good home. And I am so grateful for the lesson he taught me.

It was be persistent.  Don't take no for an answer. And hugs and kiss's even from a kitty are to be appreciated. 

I do not know why I could not see past my self pity. Why I perceive my life to be bad. It goes back to unfulfilled expectations. I should be happy I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I just seem to feel lack.

I wish I could make myself  stop over thinking. It is mental chatter, that goes on. You know the thoughts in your head that say things like you are not ............. You should be ............ etc.   This mental chatter make you self absorbed. You turn into poor me. trauma and drama becomes your life.  I had to literally tell myself to stop. I am not a drama queen. I do not wish to be a victim. I want to be strong.  I am a survivor.  but it got to the point, anxiety would kick in, and I could not control the negative thoughts. I wished day after day I would die in my sleep. There was and is no reason for me to think this way. But I do. I have prayed , that this life would end.

I will stop for now. And start post 3 of ?

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Depresion post 1 of ?

The last 3-4 months I have allowed myself to fall back into a depressed state. There was no real Reason other than I lost control of my ability to just get through the day OK.  Depression is caused by my mind "ego" over thinking.  All you do is over think. Your ego runs rampant. You tell your self over and over. Life sucks. You make things worse than they really are.

    I stopped smoking on the 28th of March. And I found it hard to do things like talk on the phone with out a cigaret. I know this sounds crazy but maybe I am. If you remember I quit taking the antidepressants back in September of 2011. So my only device to calm by stress was cigarets.
 It could be worse I could have been an addict or alcoholic. So I pat my self on the back. I am strong enough to resist falling into the world of extreme additions.  

What I am learning now, is my lack of gratitude for what I have lets my mind, Morn the loss of what I had. It allows me to judged and condemn my life. And the last 3-4 months. Every day I had the thought or wish, That I was no longer in this life. I would wake up disappointed, that I was still here. Yet  I do not wish to take my own life. I would just wish my time was over. No one knows what this is like till it happens to them. This thinking is hard to control. And there is no just reason for it.The antidepressants allowed you to just exist. Some would be what you could call don't give a crap pills. They let you say who cares. You could just sit in a chair and let the world go on. But you did not partake in life.

I have traveled a long road of self healing.This is my first post of telling my story of the last 3 months. And it may include my past life in general.

Lao Tzu quote "He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.".Photobucket