Turning a new leaf

I have just came to the conclusion.

I am not a witch with a bee.

I  have just became brutally honest.
I will no longer be a door mat for any one.
I am still nice , loving and caring.
But no longer will I be used. degraded, or abused. By any one.
I will honestly tell you straight up with out fear.
What you may or may not want to hear.
Hay that rhymes. :)
But there is no reason to be weak out of fear.
Because if they do not respect me the way that I am.
That tells me they do not know the meaning of unconditional LOVE.
If some one can not be told the truth. Then you do not need them in your life.
It seems like we go through all kids of challenges and tests in our life time. And we have the choice to be or play the roll of the victim. Or we have the choice to dust our self off and say.
I SURVIVED. And I will not let it happen again.
Some things are simply lessons learned. 
But I feel we are here to conquer our fears.
Learn to let go of what we could call baggage.

And looking back on my life, I think I can now say" I pass." I have forgiven every one including my self. And yet, I have the experience and knowledge to not fall for some things again. But I hope there are no knew challenges to overcome. Sure there will be loss of loved ones. Accidents etc. But I now accept the fact this is all apart of life. Some people have what looks like an easy path to walk. But,  I know there are few people in this world that can say. I never had a problem. But there are also many people who can say there is no easy road for them. So I am happy to be one of the lucky ones to have had a balance, both what can be called good or bad. And I can now say" I am grateful now for both." 

And I can not get over how free I have became.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

A day of love

 Yesterday was a day like no other. Sure it was gloomy no sun to be found. Even though the sky had gray angry clouds. I was able to mark off another item from my past bucket list. I told you a few years ago, that I found Brandon. He is my foster grandson.

Well I was able to see him in person. He is now 30 miles away from me. This was quite an adventure though. I asked hubby to take me. And he agreed. This was very much a gift to me. As he and the oldest grandson sat in the parking lot. They waited for 2 hours for me to return.

I have never been on an adventure like this before. You walk in the door. You show your Id and then you are scanned head to toe. Even the bottom of your shoe.  I then pressed a button on the wall to enter a hall way. I had to show Id to another person up high behind glass. And had my hand scanned. Then push a button again. You go though a long fenced in narrow walk way. A guard was walking beside me in his own fenced in area. There were horizontal walk ways to my left filled with barb wire. It was quite allot to see. yet, I could not take in the full view.
I had to ring yet 3 more buttons and open 3 more door. My hand was again scanned and Id put in the computer.  I then was buzzed into the visiting room.
I was sent to window #?. There was only a stainless steal stool with no back to sit upon. So I sat down and waited for a long time. I looked at the glass like a mirror to see what was behind me. I was very nervous. My worry was I had no support for my back.  This could lead to me not being able to walk. But I am thankful to say. I made it through. And my only issue was my pants were a bit loose And I had to keep pulling them up as I walked my way back through the maze of doors and fence.

I left there with the amazing feeling of love. This child has been through so much in his 22 years. Yet his spirit is so beautiful. He is an amazing person. He spends his life in prayer. His hope is, that one day will be able to help youth to not have to walk in his foot steps.

Note
30 miles = 48.28032 kilometers
Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

Helping others

It is amazing how much we all touch each others lives without even realizing it.

When I was going though the profound drama last month. It felt emotionally like the end of the world to me. Your heartfelt comments and love helped me get through the pain.
I have no clue why this felt like the worse thing that has ever happened to me. But I have been finding clues from reading and images. Lorilyn did a reading for me on her blog Retreat was the card she pulled. Then she said maybe the garden was the answer. My thoughts were. Yes, I have not been gardening for a couple of years now. Because of rain made all the veggie diseased. But in reality my real love of gardening was at my old home. I collected hosta's I was a shade gardener. And so connected with the earth. Maybe I need to reground my self , with nature. And this will put balance back into my life. I also came across the the name soul card. I did a search on this site. I found my card to be the hermit.
I thought to my self, I am not a hermit. I am so tired of living the life of one. I want out, I am a people person. But I found from reading the info for that card it came back to the word retreat again. It basically spoke of what I have been doing. The retreat is in my mind. And It is meditation and knowledge coming forth. I am an analyzer and love to learn.
I found from doing further research into the 16 personality types . I really am an enfp/j. I test for both of them depending on the questions asked. I am amazed at learning more about this. It explains why I am drawn to people. It is part of my personality to want to help others. I learned allot about my self. And some about others like my hubby.
I was reading this article on Psychic garbage
And found we go in cycles where we feel thing more than normal.
And there are even more clues I find every day. I am not sure you want to here about them all. I share this info in hopes of helping others if they feel the need.

I thank you all very much.
I feel our bond of friendship grows stronger each day.
I am very thankful for this gift of both the internet and this blog. It has allowed us all, to bond across the world. With other like minded, loving and caring people.
Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

Words flow

When I woke yesterday morning I felt so creative. I centered my self and said ok soul take control, tell me what I need to know. I turned on my art rage program and started to swirl. The picture above was the end result. But at the same time I saw words starting to flow. So I had to stop and write them down. Page after page came out of my head. I will share a bit with you here today.

As you may already know life is full of ups and downs, like the ocean full of waves and you must accept the fact it has to flow. forever changing with all of its ups and downs. there may be peaceful calm sailing, or adventurous, fun waves, scary storms. But it is all part of a normal (ride/life).

None of this is meant to harm. Only your mind can perceive the storm to be bad. When in reality it is just another day. The clouds will part and go away. So fasten your seat belt and enjoy the ride. Because some times it feels like a never ending tide. You will find this life like the ocean can be quite an adventure, both bright and dark, most of all full of colors, At times it will reflect like the chameleon lizard. You will see it one way, but it is not what you perceived. It has fooled you.
So remember do not let your self be trapped in darkness. For every minute and every day is a new adventure, and the sun will always rise and shine a light into the darkness. The color of rainbows will add to the joy, the sunsets will reflect and create a new affect. One of passion. One of joy.

Every thing in life and this world is connected. We are all one as they say. And every thing in life is temporary. Each and every moment is temporary. You are only here to learn and grow. So experience as much as you can, live, love laugh, cry, and sigh. But remember we all must die. It is only the end of your physical body. as your soul will live on forever a part of the collective. You truly are a free spirit, who will fly and evolve with the ever changing universe.

The name of this should be life is like the ocean.
Both calm and powerful waves.
So enjoy your ride.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

Update on life

I did the above graphic image on the 24th of Feb. It was a way of expressing how I was feeling at that time. I hit a new low. I allowed what was said and done to me take control of my mind. I failed to say stop. I went to war.
I did not even know I was venting anger at every one I encountered. I would say this was a new low for me.
But It lead to a new level of communication with my husband and family. I had to release my feeling. I had to cry. I did not know it but I was mean and loud also. I do not know every thing I did. As I though I was just speaking but apparently I was not nice. This is all new to me. I am not one to inflict harm on others. But rage is what I felt. I was at war. My mind went off the deep end. I allowed my self to become a victim. And it was no fun at all. My heart became cold. I had to say things like I need to leave. One way or another. My family was shocked. As I have never said such things before. But they were pushing me. They knew things needed to be done. But they had no ideal I was not capable of simple choice. They could not fathom the level I reached of doom and gloom. I had to call a doctor in St. Louis. He told me I was not insane. That probably 90% of people in America would have an issue with what I went through if they were in my shoes. But the difference in me was I went into overload. And could not function.
I have been broken before. And it seems if you do it again it gets worse. So I will work on taking control of my mind and life again. I will not withdraw farther. I will now fight. And regain my spirit. I am so thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers. I feel them at work in me as we speak. Big hug to all of you. My friends.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

My word for 2011

I have finally decided on my word to live by in 2011.

My word is REVIVE !


This took quite a bit of thought. Last year was the first year I tried this, rather than a resolution. Or what I did in 2008/9 was a bucket list. I very much enjoyed completing my bucket list. I do not know what to put on another one. So I will try to use my word for 2011 to make this an awesome year.

I have included 3 forms of the word as they all have some meaning to complete the theme, These words will not only apply to me, my home, my life. But how I look at every thing to come this next year. I will see new possibility in every thing.
Transforming all to a more positive outlook.


Definition of
REVIVE: become active or flourishing again
1: to restore to consciousness or life
2: to restore from a depressed, inactive, or unused state : bring back
3: to renew in the mind or memory
refurbish- taking what's already there and transforming it into something better, brighter, and more appealing.
RENOVATE
1: to restore to a former better state (as by cleaning, repairing, or rebuilding)
2: to restore to life, vigor, or activity

Will the silence be broken ?

That is the question I ponder at this time.
This was to be the year of bliss.
But my word to live by this year turned into silence.

Bliss definition
1. can be a state of profound satisfaction
2.a constant state of mind, undisturbed by gain or loss.
3. happiness and joy

I would have to say yes to #1. I have never experiences anything like this before.
I would say in silence I did achieve #2. as it was no ups or downs. no drama. What ever happened , happened. With out my input.
So silence can be bliss.

I would have to say no to #3 there is peace in silence. But happiness and joy no.

In some ways silence is just letting the days go by with out living them.
And for this reason I will search for a new word for next year.

It has been a while

I have been silent for a while now. both here and at home. Some times it is best to say nothing..
I started some seed for my garden. It looks like spring will be here soon. I love that time of year. When all is new and refreshed. The birds are singing and frogs are well not whispering. lol
There are a number of issues I am working on. I need to find peace in my heart. Silence for my brain. In the past I have done well at over coming issues.
But I have some I never though I would encounter.
I have made a stand, and will stick by what I believe is right for me.
Not every one agrees with it. but I am putting my need for self preservation first this time.
I am doing what is best for every one.
I still have many things to work out and thoughts to process. But I am not ready to share the details yet. Life is so full of hills to climb. and I have a mountain to blow up right now. I am looking for a way around it. As I am afraid if I climb it. I may jump off at the top. There may be a cliff for me to land on. Or I may continue falling for years. Decisions are hard to make in some respects. As there is a chance to make things worse. So for now. I sit silent and Analiese. Like in a chess game. I do not want to make the wrong move. I have come so far in letting go of life problems. As they are temporary. But some are not so quick to dissipate.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

When your cup runneth over

When your cup runneth over and list get over whelming with.
things to do
places to be
people to see
presents to buy
lights to untangle
and so on.
remember I am siting here in my comfy lazy boy
Thinking of you.
Enjoy a hot cup of cocoa, put your feet up and relax!
This only happens once a year.

_________________________________________________________

This is an article I found in my local paper.
She write about loneliness and how to deal with it.
She uses information from a book written By
Norman Vincent Peale
I think I have every book he has written.
You should click on the photo to enlarge.
if it is not big enough for you to read. right click on the enlargement and save to your computer to enlarge more.
It would be wonderful if all the lonely people were invited to christmas with others who care about them.

I did the art work on it.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

virtual gift 12

Todays virtual gift is the Santa Jr in New Mexico painting, He is having such fun dancing while the lizard is running around the house.
I don't know why I did this but it turned out great. I like things that are not normal.
click to enlarge.
And a video I found . I am going to start learning to do this form a of yoga from it. I think I am capable of doing most of it. This is a great lession and 50.25 minutes long.

Introduction to Kundalini Yoga
Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

Working it out

Wolf warrior

I just painted this with the Art rage computer program. I use both the oil paint which is in the free version and the spray brush with is in the paid version.
I assume the This is a wolf like cartoon. I am calling it my inner wolf.
I started painting this with no clue what I was painting and it turned out to be a story I would like to share. This was me a few years ago. I was in rage and still growl on occasion. But I was in full blown menopause. I have never felt such anger or rage in my life. I would bite at the drop of a hat. And this is not me. I am a peaceful person. Who wishes to do no harm.
But I am feeling a bit of anger now that I am going to work out. By sharing my story online I may help some one else. And I will release my pain with this writing.
I will let it blow away with the wind.

First off I need to find my happy place in my mind. What make me happy. Thoughts of travel. Thoughts of fun with my family. I need to plan an adventure. But I do not have a traveling partner. So What can I do to try to get hubby involved? Hum?
Maybe a trip to my daughters in her new home. I will try to include a visit to my foster grand son. This is a desire. To see him again. It has been 6 years.

I am going to create wisdom cards
So this is my first one.

Wolf warrior
She is a survivor. who has great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness.
She is self defense.
Has wisdom to protect.
Needs knowledge to know when to back off.
Knows when she is needed.
So she is great when you are ready for her.
Learn to use her with love and great care.
And learn to control her.
As wisdom is needed to be safe.
Do not let her anger rule.
Take deep breaths and eat chocolate to tame her.
Laughter will help too.

a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

A deeper look at life

I am very guilty of going though life and visually over look most if not all my surroundings.As you can see from the first photo All I saw was a flower till I uploaded the photo. Then there appeared a bug. Upon a closer view it reminded me of a crab with pincher's. I went back for a closer look with my camera. It then had a bee in its grasp.

I have never seen a Crab spider till today.

Misumena vatia Link to more info on Crab spiders or flower spider

But this story is meant to be more than just over looking bugs.
We some times over look people too.
I have been in line standing next to a friend and neither of us seen each other, till my hubby said is that not ?
Yep it was.
Then there was a time My daughter and I were at a restaurant and there was a girl there that was very upset.
My youngest daughter had no tolerance for her.
As she knew her type and dismissed her as a person on drugs coming down.
My self I saw a person with a problem deeper than drugs.
I went and talker to her and found she had a very bad night.
I offered to take her to the hospital or suggested she go on her own.
It helped her just to talk it out with me and decide what was best for her.
Both my daughter and a friend said I was stupid. And was putting my self in danger.
I saw my self as keeping her from going to jail. As her anger was increasing by the minute. She threw a coffee cup to the floor. This was not as bad as she could have been. If she were left along to fume.
As we left I told the waitress to keep her coffee filled up.
Be nice to her. And leaver her alone.
I gave them $5,00
And said tell her her coffee was free.
Thanks to looking deeper. I hope this made a difference in her life.
I am not telling this story to brag.
I am sharing it in hope of others looking deeper at not only strangers. But at your own family.
There are times we do not look at there actions to know they are in pain.

Have a wonderful day and remember to laugh and play.

We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. - George Bernard Shaw