Sunday, September 28, 2008

Don't let life pass by you.

Stuck in time.
My creative side is still here today. Oh what a joy. Thoughts are running about. I spoke to a dear friend in St. Louis today. We shared our lives on a deeper level today.
I told her about how in my first year here at this new home. I was stuck in time. She knew I was having a hard time dealing with a new life. And dealing with my husband who was recovering from bypass and prostate surgery. I was also dealing with packing and moving 2 times. Once in Jan 05 then again in June 05. Buy the time I got this house livable enough for us to survive. And have some sort of normal luxuries. Like running water. Bathroom. And some heat source. I then broke down. I did not call or talk to any one for months on end. I was stuck in the past. Time did not move forward for me. I so missed my life. I so missed my home. I so missed my family & friends. I got to the point of no return. Then I decided to get help. Believe it or not. Lexapro is the reason I am here today. I have never wanted to take something to depend on. But with in 4 days of taking this med. I wanted to live again. I wanted to talk to friends.
From this episode. I learned to live in the moment. But also I learned If we get caught in the past. Or program our brain. By saying there is no hope. There is no future. Your brain will trap you for ever. I also shared that. This summer was the best for me. Because I did not let my brain say no. You can not do this. I went on the boat with my kids and got in a raft and was pulled in the water. Knowing I could drowned. I put all my faith in that life jacket. I did not let my self go to the point of fear. I did not say to my self no.

In the past I let my life slip by with saying "no I can not do it". But today I am saying." I can not do it today my body will not let me. But I have hope that some day I can do it again."
This is what I have learned about self talk. The more you tell your self I am not able. I can not do it. Or I am fat. I can not loose weight, I can not do it........The more we believe there is no hope. The less self confidence you will have.

You have to say I will try, I will not quit. It is ok if I try and it don't work out.

I am so thankful that I had so much fun this last summer and my kids have new memories of what we did together. Maybe they can forget all the times I could not be there for them. All the days I could not take them places. Because I could not sit or walk. I let the fear of going some where ,and my back or legs would go out. Then I would not be able to get home.
This summer I was also at my friend daughters graduation. I did not make it through sitting in the audience. I watched it at the entry door. Because I could not breath through all the perfume.I also have allergy induced asthma.With the beginning of copd.

You may be saying boy she is a mess. Or she is a toon. I am a normal person who has been beat down by life.And I have survived allot of bad thing. And now I am trying to be a normal person again. With hopes and dreams.
See all the smiles I would have missed
if I would have let my brain say
No you can not swim.
You may not make it through the day.

I did have to go home early but at least I did not miss out on life for this day.


Mr.Wall said...

cool blog

Q said...

I am so glad you said, "Yes" to life.
I too have been sick. I too have made a change and am excited to live each the moment.

Anonymous said...

Good for you m'friend!! wonderful post!

Grammy said...

Thank you Mr Wall

Hi Sherry, Thank you , Big hug. I am glad you are doing well now also.
Be blessed my friend.

Thank you Farm mom.

Carla said...

How inspiring this post is! I don't like it when someone else tells me NO, but I say it all the time! (and by the way, Everyone is normal, or no one is!) Yea for you getting help-smart move, and finding a goal to see and live now, brilliant! Just brilliant!

Jackie said...

Wow. While I may not understand exactly how you felt, I'm sort of living in that weird dead zone myself after moving from my own home of 10 years. I never realized how hard it was going to be. I can't stop obsessing over what a mistake I made by moving and all I seem to do is sit in my room and talk to people from home and fantasize about being at home again. I hope I find my a-ha moment soon. :-) Love ya. *big hug* I hope I see you soon.