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Sunday, September 28, 2008

Don't let life pass by you.

Stuck in time.
My creative side is still here today. Oh what a joy. Thoughts are running about. I spoke to a dear friend in St. Louis today. We shared our lives on a deeper level today.
I told her about how in my first year here at this new home. I was stuck in time. She knew I was having a hard time dealing with a new life. And dealing with my husband who was recovering from bypass and prostate surgery. I was also dealing with packing and moving 2 times. Once in Jan 05 then again in June 05. Buy the time I got this house livable enough for us to survive. And have some sort of normal luxuries. Like running water. Bathroom. And some heat source. I then broke down. I did not call or talk to any one for months on end. I was stuck in the past. Time did not move forward for me. I so missed my life. I so missed my home. I so missed my family & friends. I got to the point of no return. Then I decided to get help. Believe it or not. Lexapro is the reason I am here today. I have never wanted to take something to depend on. But with in 4 days of taking this med. I wanted to live again. I wanted to talk to friends.
From this episode. I learned to live in the moment. But also I learned If we get caught in the past. Or program our brain. By saying there is no hope. There is no future. Your brain will trap you for ever. I also shared that. This summer was the best for me. Because I did not let my brain say no. You can not do this. I went on the boat with my kids and got in a raft and was pulled in the water. Knowing I could drowned. I put all my faith in that life jacket. I did not let my self go to the point of fear. I did not say to my self no.

In the past I let my life slip by with saying "no I can not do it". But today I am saying." I can not do it today my body will not let me. But I have hope that some day I can do it again."
This is what I have learned about self talk. The more you tell your self I am not able. I can not do it. Or I am fat. I can not loose weight, I can not do it........The more we believe there is no hope. The less self confidence you will have.

You have to say I will try, I will not quit. It is ok if I try and it don't work out.

I am so thankful that I had so much fun this last summer and my kids have new memories of what we did together. Maybe they can forget all the times I could not be there for them. All the days I could not take them places. Because I could not sit or walk. I let the fear of going some where ,and my back or legs would go out. Then I would not be able to get home.
This summer I was also at my friend daughters graduation. I did not make it through sitting in the audience. I watched it at the entry door. Because I could not breath through all the perfume.I also have allergy induced asthma.With the beginning of copd.

You may be saying boy she is a mess. Or she is a toon. I am a normal person who has been beat down by life.And I have survived allot of bad thing. And now I am trying to be a normal person again. With hopes and dreams.
See all the smiles I would have missed
if I would have let my brain say
No you can not swim.
You may not make it through the day.





I did have to go home early but at least I did not miss out on life for this day.

6 comments:

Mr.Wall said...

cool blog

Q said...

I am so glad you said, "Yes" to life.
I too have been sick. I too have made a change and am excited to live each day...in the moment.
Namaste,
Sherry

farm mom said...

Good for you m'friend!! wonderful post!

Grammy said...

Thank you Mr Wall

Hi Sherry, Thank you , Big hug. I am glad you are doing well now also.
Be blessed my friend.

Thank you Farm mom.

Carla said...

How inspiring this post is! I don't like it when someone else tells me NO, but I say it all the time! (and by the way, Everyone is normal, or no one is!) Yea for you getting help-smart move, and finding a goal to see and live now, brilliant! Just brilliant!

Jackie said...

Wow. While I may not understand exactly how you felt, I'm sort of living in that weird dead zone myself after moving from my own home of 10 years. I never realized how hard it was going to be. I can't stop obsessing over what a mistake I made by moving and all I seem to do is sit in my room and talk to people from home and fantasize about being at home again. I hope I find my a-ha moment soon. :-) Love ya. *big hug* I hope I see you soon.

Jackie